October 20th, 2024
Dear Diary,

This whole entry is just gonna be a vent soooo yeah!!

Over the course of this summer, my Grandma has been sick. She's been in and out of the hospital for pretty much four months now, which has been emotionally wrecking my mom and causing great stress for everyone in our family. Not to mention that she's in immesurable pain. Two days ago she passed away. Needless to say I haven't been the happiest, but tonight I was being seriously tested by god. So my east-coast family flew out yesterday because of her passing, and tonight my great-aunt, uncle, and 3 cousins along with 3 babies were in the house to have dinner with us. My uncle is staying with us, but its seriously difficult to interact with him after what happened in July. I feel horrible because he's my uncle and I have to like hanging out with him, but everything is different now. Plus I can tell my mom is seriously testing him because she has absolutely no decorum or grace when it comes to my grandmother. They had an intensly strained relationship to say the least. Also as of the last couple of months my mom has been just so cranky and irritable and I would just chalk it up to the stress from grandma, but now grandma's gone and she's still angry all the time. She used to have even an iota of tolerance but recently all hell breaks loose at the drop of a hat. It's so fucking stressful because I feel like I'm walking on eggshells as soon as I'm near her. Also she's drinking a lot more now and it's seriously scaring me. It feels like she simultaneously cares so much about her body and health but really doesn't as well. It's also fucking heart breaking to watch someone destroy themselves like that. I can tell that it's putting a real strain on my dad but she doesn't give a fuck. Sometimes I feel like she's gonna divorce him on a whim. But it really doesn't have to be that way!!! She just has to recognize the problems that have cultivated within her. It's never enough for my dad to say "i have a problem with this," it has to be me or my brother saying it because she would just think my dad is picking on her or something. Whatever is going on with her, I just want it to stop. It's so fucking hard to be near her and watch her do all this stuff. At dinner tonight she would constantly talk over my greataunt and be just unnecessarily rude to her, as if she isn't greiving her sister. Not only this but she has zero patience with anyone she's working with for some reason, every one we need to contact for the ceremony and all the details gets my mothers wrath. In fact, tonight she said, "I'm just gonna tell x that my mother croaked." and of course nobody laughed or really reacted. Because that was fucking rude!!! People are grieving!!! I am grieving!! I understand that you didn't have the best relationship with her but christ can you give it a rest?? I care about her!! I love her!! Maybe you don't give a fuck, but I do!! It's just impossible to get through to her and actually get her to listen to me recently. And for me, it's incredibly important to have a strong relationship with my mom. I just don't wanna lose her too.

October 2nd, 2024
Dear Diary,

These days have just been really stressfull and strained. I've been reading 100 years of solitude by gabriel garcia marquez and I feel like I would be liking it if 1) I wasn't speed-reading it for school and 2) it didn't include CRAZY amount of rape, pedophilia, and incest. Like I really enjoy marquez's writing style, but because of the time constraint I can't really take it all in-- his writing style is very dense and roundabout. But yeah. The horrible shit is kinda ruining the read for me! Anyway, yesterday was kinda normal excpet I got pulled into the office for "vaping" in the bathroom. So yeah. lol. What happened was: I was taking a dump. While I walked out of the stall to go wash my hands I looked out of the restroom door and saw THE MEAN HORRIBLE NO GOOD FEMALE SECURITY GUARD!!! CRYING EMOJI!!!! So I wash my hands and walk out of the restroom and the Female Security Guard™ as well as some other security guard were like, "The vape sensor went off while you were in the restroom so you need to see the vice principle." So I get taken to his office. THERE IS ALREADY A GIRL BEING TALKED TO IN HIS OFFICE ABOUT THE SAME THING. And clearly she wasn't vaping either because she left his office relatively quickly. So I get called in and they start interrogating me, right?? All like, "did you see anything, were you doing anything, what did you hear??" bruh I was taking a dump crying emoji!!! And then they make me take off my shoes and socks, as well as turn out my pockets. color me UNSURPRISED when there is nothing in there. #time wasted when i should've been doing work for my classes. Sooo yeah! Also yesterday when I came home I was so hungry that when I opened up the cabinet and there was nothing in it I broke down into tears LOL! For some reason when I was going to bed I couldn't help but cry about him for like the first time in two weeks! my longest streak!! I was just thinking about the period of time between him leaving me and me finding out what he did. I think that's the only thing I actually want him to apologize for. Not for lying to me, I understand why he did. Not for any time that he hurt me while we were together. Just for the period of time when I had no idea he lied. I wish he would just put himself in my shoes. If you're reading this (probably not, haha) imagine you're me. Imagine being on a trip across the country to see your grandpa and uncle. It's the first time you've seen them since before covid. Imagine the first night you're there, you get your heart shattered by the only person you've ever felt comfortable enough to want romantically. The next few days it all gets dragged out. You're still getting your heart chipped away at. Imagine then practically isolating yourself for the rest of the trip, only leaving the apartment when you need to and only being able to stomach a few bites of one of those peach cups for three days. Imagine needing to sleep in the same bed with your mom because you don't feel stable enough to sleep alone. Imagine not knowing the answer. Imagine being so unaware and confused that you can barely understand what happened. Imagine thinking, "There's no way he just suddenly fell out of love, I had to have done something so horrible and been so horrible that he couldn't stand me anymore." Imagine thinking every single thing you said was hurtful. Even when you meant to be kind and caring and considerate. Everything you said had to have hurt him in some way, that must be it! Every quality you fear being, every trait you scold yourself for having has been there all along, chipping away at HIS heart. You still are that stupid, rude, naive, cold, uncaring, untrustworthy, ugly, fat, annoying, clingy, needy, lonely girl. No matter what, that is what you are. No matter how much you try to rationalize what happened, this is the conclusion you come to. You think, "it had to have been all my fault." Just think about it. Think about 5 months of constant, "If I hadn't done x, maybe he would've stayed." "If I didn't look so x, maybe he would've stayed" Imagine even after knowing the truth, still thinking these things because you made them true in your brain. You repeated it so much it became the real answer. Stupid girl!!! Anyway yeah. I wish just wish he would apologize for that. I don't know. I wish he knew how terrible i've felt. I don't know what good that would do though. It would just make him feel worse, and God knows he doesn't need that. I rescind my statement then! Most of all I want him to feel better. I can't even try to be mad at him and beg for an apology right. It's honestly pathetic that I still feel this way. I'm still rooting for you, y'know? Even though all this happened I still want to be on your side, helping you. I remember even when I thought it was all my fault I still wanted to be on your side. I remember feeling like a parasite for wanting to help you, though. Correct your behavior quickly, ok? I really really really hate this time without you. Somehow I've managed this long without you. It would be easier with you, however. And if you're actually reading this, I listened to those songs you wanted me to listen to last friday. Bottom and Flood, I think there was a third song but I couldn't remember it. Anyway I really liked the two songs! I understand why you feel so strongly about them. I also finished Mob Psycho 100 two weeks ago, I LOVED IT!!! I thought the ending was a little bit confusing but I liked the denouement. I thought the episode where they met those anime-eyed aliens was reaaally funny too!! Turns out Prince had watched Mob Psycho so we talked about it. Also I cried when dimple fake died!!! Dimple turned out to be my favorite character! Anyway, this is getting really long so I should probably stop writing. I kinda hope you watch some of the stuff we didn't end up watching together, but it's ok if you don't. It would make me happy if you did, but 1) I would have no way of knowing you did and 2) my happiness shouldn't be important to you-- you need to focus on your own happiness.

August 23rd, 2024
Dear Diary,

I started school last monday and it's already started to stress me out like crazy. I'm a senior in highschool!!! What the fuck!!!! I remember how I felt as a freshman seeing seniors and never thinking I'd be that old. Which like. I'm not old. But I'm terrified of being an adult. I turn 18 in a little under 6 months and I'm fucking horrified. I need to make the most of being a kid but I'm swamped with college applications and responsibilities. I'm just not ready. These days I cry a lot. Like maybe an unhealthy amount. I'll see a video on tiktok about a show I like and start to cry; I'll see an animal on the street and cry because it probably doesn't have a home; I see a spilled coffee cup on the train and cry because someone was probably really looking forward to drinking it. I think about my friends and cry. I think about my future and cry. I think about my brother and cry. I think about my mommy and my daddy and cry. I think about my Sadie and cry. I don't wanna get older. I'm even crying writing this. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm too emotional for my own good. I'm overwhelmed by my own feelings. I barely understand the people around me let alone myself. I feel shattered and unmotivated. I've felt this way for a while. Since before all of the stuff that happened this year. I mean, all that horrible shit amplified everything like ten-fold, but i've felt completely hopeless for a very long time. I don't like to talk about it with the people who care about me though, the thing I never, EVER want to be is a burden. I don't want to burden others with how I feel. Everybody goes through so much already-- the audacity I would have to dump everything I'm going through on another person. I tried really really hard to keep all my emotional shit away from him when we were close but sometimes it would slip out. All I can remember from those moments is just how ashamed I felt. I felt like I made everything worse. Especially immediately after we split up, when I didn't know what he did. I blamed it all on myself, I still do (to some extent). It felt like every horrible thing I knew about myself had been ratified. And somehow I feel the same way, even after learning the truth. I dunno, it just feels like what was done to me, emotionally, can never be undone. Especially when he was kinda helping me get over some of that; it feels like all that progress means nothing now. Maybe this is wrong as well, but I feel like he saw me in a very idealized way, which is what I wanted, but isn't right by any means. I'm not some "angel" or whatever(God knows I wanted to believe him. Badly). I'm a sad excuse of a teenage girl who just cant get their shit together. It feels like every time I ask for help I bring someone down. I hate asking for help, but I know I need it terribly. I can't help but feel like a big screw up. My parents are trying so hard to give me a good future but I hate taking advantage of that. I think my morals are strong in all the wrong things.

July 29th, 2024
Dear Diary,

Not much has happened in the last few weeks. A few days ago I hung out with one of my friends and it was pretty fun. The only part that wasn't was when we were taking pictures with my digital camera. It just kinda sucked because they look effortlessly beautiful all the time, and I just looked like a sack of shit. Also they spent like 45 minutes curating a post for the pictures, so I was really bored. Usually when I feel ugly like that I cry and get it all out, but I couldn't because they were hanging out and I didn't wanna cry in front of them. So once they left the next day I just sobbed for hours; it was so bad I relapsed. I mean, I didn't have a very long clean streak but it was still pretty bad. And now I'm fucking reaping what I sow because it's my friends birthday on the 1st of August and we're going to the beach. So i'm trying to speed up the healing process right now. Anyway yeah, that's pretty much everything that happened. Ok now i'm gonna talk about the shit I always talk about, so yeaaahhhh!! Overall, I hope he's doing better. Even though I suffered a lot because of him doesn't mean he should suffer. I mean, I just want him to make progress, get help, and try his hardest through this period. I know it's hard, but I have complete faith that he can do it. The only issue is that I have no way of seeing how he's feeling. The only inkling I get into his thoughts these days are his discord bios (WHICH IS CHEAP SHIT!!!). I wish I could still be in his life just to help him along the way. I just want to help him, encourage him to be better. I wouldn't want anything back from it, I just want him to be happy. I don't know what he's gone through but whatever it is, he doesn't deserve to be suffering now. He's suffered enough. Side note, I keep having dreams with him in them! They aren't like crazy or anything, they're usually just normal things + him. And in all of them our falling out had happened, they all deal with what I do after it. Anyway, that's all I have to say this time.

July 17th, 2024
Dear Diary,

There's something so horrifically wrong with me. I don't know what to do about it either. I don't know how to navigate what I'm feeling. I'm utterly disgusted and ashamed with myself, it feels like I can only blame myself for what happened. I know that's harmful to think, but I feel like a villain. I feel like I ruined his life. I feel like I shouldn't have been in it at all. I forced everything onto him. It feels like all i've been is a road block. I'm preventing him from changing for the better. I wrecked him at the start. I never meant to do so much damage to another person. I acted how I was most afraid of acting. I must've been every trait I fear embodying. My truest feelings are ones of self-loathing. I hate who I was. I hate how I acted. I hate who I am now. I hate how careless I am. It feels like the only explanation I can conjure for why he would do something like this, is because I forced him to. These days I feel like the worst, most disgusting person alive. In simple terms, it's all my fault. My worst qualities reared their ugly heads when he left (briefly) in November. I should've known that this is how I really am. An overbearing, stupid, naive, monster girl. Sometimes I try to see myself as a victim, but I just can't. I can't see myself as one when I still feel love.

July 16th, 2024
Dear Diary,

It's been a little while and a lot has happened, so I'm not gonna talk about everything in detail. Some pretty horrible stuff happened with my family on July 6th, it was so bad that I see flashes of what happened days after it did. It kinda soured the rest of my East Coast family's visit. I don't even really remember what happened in the days after, just that things have slowly been getting better I suppose. I realize now that it's been 10 days since the incident happened, so maybe that's why I feel compelled to talk about it. Anyway, days went by and I got to see my best friend again. We went to little tokyo and it was super fun! I bought this blythe doll collection book as well as a blythe doll memo pad for my friend. I didn't really do anything the day after, just kinda lounged around. Two days ago I went to this night market with my friends and it was so fun!!! I bought a little blue dress for Sadie. I can't tell if she loves or hates it though, haha!

I feel like I talk about love and heartbreak in every diary entry but I can't help it. It's not like I can talk about this with anyone else. I usually get the same answer from the two people I do talk about it with anyway. Both of those people have actually HAD partners though. Like, a lot. It doesn't feel fair. I wish I could know what makes me so utterly undesirable to everyone who meets me. I had a lot of faith in this summer as well! I truly thought I'd find someone this summer. Something to temporarily take this weight from my heart. After all I'm working two jobs. I dunno. I was also really looking forward to spending the summer with him. When we were together, that is. Last summer we weren't able to because I went to sleepaway camp for a while. I feel like I wasted that time by not spending it with him. Whatever. When bad things would to happen to me, or when I would miss him, I used to pretend one of my stuffed animals was him. The plush is just a stupid lion that my friend got from a cvs for my birthday a few years ago. This is so fucking stupid. I need to get over myself. One guy tells me that he doesn't want me anymore and I go fucking insane. I don't really cry over him these days though, I just feel this intense dread in my chest. The other day I cried over something really stupid though; every now and then my mom puts my favorite stuffed animal, lamby (a lamb that I've had since I was born + have slept with every single night) in the washing machine. She's really beat up from it, her eyes are all cracked and her stuffing is all clumped. I don't know what came over me but I couldn't stop crying and hugging her. I think I'm overly emotional.

Today I didn't do much. I rewatched kamisama kiss and wished I had someone like Tomoe. I'm such a fucking loser. It's that time of the year (all year) that I feel especially lonely. I just wish, from the bottom of my heart, that we could be together again. I can't take this anymore, I wish I was dead so fucking bad!!!! All the fucking time!!! I wish he was here to support me!!! I wish this wasn't so fucking difficult.

July 5th, 2024
Dear Diary,

Today was actually pretty good! My grandpa and uncle arrived from the east coast and are staying with us for a few days. It's not only my grandpa's birthday, but also my grandma and her sisters birthday tomorrow. Well, we're celebrating it all tomorrow at least. I dunno, I feel like I don't have much to write about. I got my nails re-done today too, pink and green! I only cried a little bit today so that's also really good. Pretty much all of my friends went to anime expo today. I dont really get fomo in general but I wish I could've been there at least to buy stuff I like. Is it redundant to say my heart still hurts? I googled some stuff today and it scared me really bad. It opened my eyes a little but what if I wanted to keep them closed??? Maybe that's stupid to say. I don't really want to mention it in full detail because it feels like no one will understand if I do. I dunno, I guess I'm just afraid of the truth. I mean, I already know the truth, but I mean MY truth. What am I really feeling?! When I found out his truth it scared me so fucking bad. Nothing felt real. I expected my love to fade after I learned the truth but somehow it didn't. I think that's the most thoughtless thing I've ever done.

July 4th, 2024
Dear Diary

Happy 4th of July to those who celebrate! My family and I celebrate the same way every year, but somehow it's always hectic. This year more people came over to celebrate with us so maybe that was why it was so odd. Lemme give the low-down; me and my family (parents + older brother) go to the park on the 4th because there's a big celebration there with fireworks, foodtrucks, the whole shebang. Anyway, this year was a little bit different because along with my cousins who live in socal with us (dad + three toddlers), my cousins who live in New York also came to visit(mom + 2 kids + grandma)! Yay! My east coast cousins were so different when they came over too! The younger girl was dressed so differently than she used to, but then again I hadn't seen them in a while so whaddya expect. Like she wasn't dressed poorly, just different! Like, tube tops and brandy melville different- which isn't bad! But like it's so weird to see people who are so much younger than you mature, y'know? Anyway, the only part that surprised me in kind of an odd way was that she was wearing a cross. I assumed, and this is very closeminded thinking, that everyone in my family (except for my grandmas) are Jewish. Sooooo I'm Jewish, and like I guess I just assumed??? I dunno, I like put it in the perspective that, to them, we're the Jewish cousins-- not just cousins. It feels weird talking about this but IT'S MY DIARY SO I CAN WRITE WHAT I WANT !!!! Anyway aside from that the night was pretty much fine. I got to talk to my brother a lot so that was fun, we got ice cream and ran into his childhood friend + his dad. I wish my friends lived near me . Tomorrow I'm going to pick up my grandpa and my uncle from the airport and I'm really excited to actually hang out with them!!! Last time I got the chance to hang with them was when my heart got shattered, so I was mostly trying to be all alone. Ok side tangent + no shade, but why do guys find the worst times to break your heart!?? For me it was on christmas(i mean not that christmas matters to me LAWL) in d.c.; for my friend it was right before the opening night of her show; for my other friend it was WHILE SHE WAS IN THE MENTAL HOSPITAL!!! Like?? what happened to timing... aaaanyway, I'll probably update tmr-- night night !!

July 3rd, 2024
Dear Diary,

This week has been kind of weird so far (;𖦹ㅁ𖦹)... Yesterday we had to have the air conditioning fully replaced so there were people running around the house all day and it kinda freaked me out! And like it wouldn't have freaked me out that bad if the main air conditioner junk wasn't in the closet in my room, but it is so I couldn't go in my room like all day (╥‸╥). This week I've also been really focused on writing essays for scholarships and all that really has done is make me more stressed about everything! I'm genuinely so scared for this next school year, it doesn't feel real that I'm gonna be a senior in highschool. I wish my brain could think about things normally, but unfortunately I don't think I have the capability to do so. Relaxing is so difficult as well, when I'm not doing something that will better my future I feel like a sitting duck, but when I am doing those things I feel so apathetic and tired. It just feels like being carefree and happy right now is unnatainable. Like I think about how happy I was last summer and I don't think I can realistically be that happy again. On one hand it's college stuff/prep, but on the other hand it's because of a gaping hole in my heart! I'm gonna talk about this very vaguely: to me, love is everlasting devotion. When I love someone or something, I love them forever. Even for people who have wronged or hurt me. And maybe that makes me naive and too sensitive, but I can't help it. I think that's why this heartbreak hurts so much, I was so prepared to give everything and do anything that I didn't prepare myself for heartbreak. I didn't wanna see an end, so whenever I noticed foreshadowing to the end I ignored it. It all just feels like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. To quote Fiona Apple, "I'm such an incredibly, stupidly sensitive person that everything that happens to me, I experience it really intensely. I feel everything very deeply." I dunno. I prayed for him. I still do! Maybe that's stupid too, though. Ugh and everything was so complicated when we first fell apart too! Everything that was said at that time still sticks with me for some reason. Every excuse, every question, every plead. I feel like I'm going insane because of how much I think about it. I cut myself off from him pretty much completely because I thought it would help me get over it, but no. I probably think about it even more now that I don't really have anything left of him. I was so desperate when we first fell apart that I even tried to convince myself I wasn't in love! I dunno, I feel very lonely and melancholic these days . Hopefully things will get better but it certainly feels like they won't right now. Most of all I hope he's happy, genuinely. I hope he's feeling better, feeling more stable. All I really wanted was to be happy with someone else and for that person to be happy with me. However it seems like the only way for him to be happy is to be without me, so I'll have to live with that I suppose. Truthfully I'd give anything for him to come back AND be happy with me, but I don't think that's really plausible.